If I were to ask what percentage of people in your area had a dysfunctional childhood, would you be honest? Were you one of those children, and did your mother has time to reconsider her decisions?
Did she wonder what she needed to become a better mom?
Were women in the 70s and 80s inexplicably more present with their children than we are today? Today, society expects us to work, organize housework and be present mothers. With all that, we are bombarded daily by so-called experts in parenthood, whether we’re on the right track or not.
If only I had a switch button, I would gladly trade all the modern technology for life in the 80s! But I do not have one! I am constantly under the pressure of expectations in a world where books are less valued. There are too many role models online and unhealthy, super colourful advertisements everywhere!
So, I also try to be a role model. I try to be a playful character and a sympathetic listener. But I don’t focus on my mistakes, and I don’t say: “I’ll be a better mom tomorrow”. To keep my sanity and my kid’s trust in me, except for being present, I do the following ten things.
Related: Parenting A Sensitive Child: Accepting Difficult Emotions
1 I accept.
The only thing without which a child cannot grow up in a healthy environment (besides basic things like food and a warm bed) is acceptance. The child will survive the fact that mom didn’t come to the school dance and that dad is overloaded with work and yells sometimes.
The baby is most often attached to the mother during the first months. A baby depends on her to survive, and the mom has an oxytocin release. The oxytocin gives her strength to protect and care for her baby. The baby then feels accepted.
As the child grows, so do his desires to fight for his opinion, which he expresses primarily through a loud “NO” and then through situations beyond the allowed limits. He doesn’t hate his parents, but he questions them. He does not want to hurt anyone when he refuses to do something, has a tantrum or demands something impossible. The child thus fights for himself.
When we respond to every challenge children throw at us with carelessness or misunderstanding, we send signals from which they might get the idea that we do not accept them as they are. Their opinions are not valued, so their self-confidence begins to lower.
On my way to a better mom mission, I decided to get down to my son’s level and primarily look at his side of the story. However much persuasion and counselling attempts are needed, I will do my best to achieve this, with a certain amount of boundaries where necessary. I want him to feel accepted, but I also need to guide him through life.
2 Deep conversations make me a better mom.
As a child, I distanced myself from my parents because they were never there. Of course, I understand now that the country was going through inflation at the time, and people struggled every week to have enough.
The most painful memory of the time spent with me as a baby was described to me by my dad. “I just got paid and went to the store to get baby food and a diaper cream for you, and there they told me that the value of money has decreased again.”
Both my brother and I were more attached to our grandparents, but they had their daily obligations too. So, we screamed at our parents: “I hate you” all the time. We didn’t hate them. We wanted them to magically understand that we needed their presence and conversations on plenty of topics.
When I gave birth, my parents advised me to stay close to my kid. Even though I work from home, I can also have stressful days. I may not be present enough on some days, but I’m only human, right?!
Nevertheless, I try to have deep conversations with my kid every day. It makes me a better mom because I can reach the most horrible things in his head. From the fear of a black hole to his first love and something he saw on television. Regular conversations build trust.
Related: Confident Parenting In a Chaos Full of Fun
3 When he’s overwhelmed, I’m there.
Parenting a highly sensitive child as a highly sensitive mother is followed by constant mood swings for both of us. No matter how hard it is, I try to do my best to help him fight through every trauma. And in moments when it is difficult (ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S DIFFICULT), I am there.
Sometimes, it’s hard for children to name and face their feelings. Other times, they may not be aware of physical discomfort (such as hunger or tiredness). To help them through this scary world, be there. Read more about triggers that lead to an overwhelmed, highly sensitive child here.
Mistakes may be a big trigger for little minds too. Nobody is comfortable when they’re wrong, but by example, we show the child that those are opportunities to learn something new.
Teach your kid to do positive self-talk. Instead of “I made a mistake”, refer to “This was an opportunity to learn”. Change “I never get it right” to “Never give up”.
4 I practice Montessori.
Many parents start with Montessori because they believe in positive parenting. They know it’s all about creating a special bond between a child and his parents and raising a confident explorer who loves learning and knows his boundaries.
Related: How to Get Started With the Montessori Method of Parenting
When we cook, instead of focusing on the mess, I watch him learn an important skill. The next minute, he may be jumping from the chair to the bed – and it’s terrifying to watch. However, I don’t focus on my fear because I have no right to stand in the way of fun and the development of synapses in his brain. So, I look for a way to make that activity safe.
Montessori is all about independence, new skills, curiosity and passion discovery. It’s all about “following the child”. Now, in which way does that help the synapse growth? The brain develops in movement, jumping, and spinning. But, it develops the most when we use all five fingers on each hand. And this method supports that.
And the fact that I decided on this parenting style, without shouting, with gentle guidance but clear boundaries, makes me a better mom. He is happy because he gets less NO. He is satisfied because I follow his passions, support his ideas and listen to his concerns and problems. He is confident and likes to learn every day.
Related: 3 Montessori Parenting Habits to Practice Every Day
5 Parenting books help me be a better mom.
While some studies claim parenting books cause stress on mothers, for me, it is the opposite. I always have a book or two about parenting that I read during the week. Not only the advice but also the tone used by most authors when talking about children is an inspiring area for positive parenting.
I always choose proven authors, such as Elaine N. Aron, the author of one of my favourite books on parenting, The Highly Sensitive Child. Montessori for Every Family by Tim Seldin and Lorna McGrath is yet another book that I always recommend. It has beautiful illustrations, and
leads you through all the key principles of Montessori and how to master them everywhere.
It’s not a secret that when I was pregnant and for many years after, I was a huge fan of Heidi Murkoff. I even contacted her several times, and she was always happy to share her thoughts. There were times when I stumbled upon some terrible books. If someone’s opinion does not agree with mine, I am ready to investigate but not fundamentally change myself as a parent.
6 Nature at its best.
We know nature benefits a child’s mental and physical health. Time spent in nature is also a high-quality learning opportunity. Therefore, playing and exploring outside also improves critical thinking.
There are plenty of creative ways to spend time with kids outside every day. Instead of driving, walk to school. Visit nearby playgrounds daily, walk the dogs, and play hide and seek. Help them learn a new skill (such as riding a bike), go to the beach, or go hiking.
I know it’s hard to get the modern kids outside because there are too many cool things to explore in a virtual world. But, instead of overwhelming them with facts, try challenging them. “It’s healthy for you to go outside because…” That doesn’t sound so exciting to kids!
Try this instead. “I bet if I made an obstacle course in the backyard, you wouldn’t be able to finish it in 5 minutes.” “I wonder if you could beat me if we raced to the park?” “Let’s go for a walk. Who can collect more white pebbles, John or Emma?”
Challenges and competitions lead children to the most exciting moments, and it’s so much fun. And for you to win the title for “being a better mom every day”, offer them nature at its best.
Don’t worry about the dirt on their clothes. Teach them to roll in the grass, make mud cakes, and snow houses. Let them swim until they get hungry. Let them be kids.
7 I surround my family with families similar to ours.
There’s a lot of stress around being the perfect mother. While we all have our ideas on how to improve, we should focus on the “better mom” saying because there’s no perfection. For the benefit and happiness of everyone, we only hang out with like-minded families. Here are some examples of why.
It would be extremely difficult to prevent a child from playing video games on weekdays if our friends are ok with that for their kid. My friend and I take turns preparing healthy snacks. It wouldn’t be right to tell a child: “That’s not healthy for you right now.” when someone offers him snacks all the time.
So, every mother has her principles and reasons behind them. That does not mean that my method is better than hers and vice versa. I just want to mention that children are healthy and happy in an environment where parents don’t question their decisions all the time.
8 I teach my kid every day.
Health and hygiene, time management, decision making, how to be grateful, history, math, art, music, and many other things! We love it! There is no time for difficult questions, what I don’t know – I find out and then share with him!
Children are happy when they learn in a healthy environment. Learning is in human nature – from mastering the first steps to mathematical equations. When we are passionate about teaching them, we raise curious explorers who are not afraid of new things.
Related: A Strategy to Motivate Your Child to Learn
9 I’m open to his feedback.
They get feedback from us multiple times a day. And when they have something to say, we tune out, yell or disapprove? If we don’t actively listen to their opinions, what kind of relationships do we expect them to form with people as they grow bigger? To validate their feelings is to validate their suggestions.
Next time, try to put everything aside and really listen to your child. Make eye contact and help them express their words if necessary. If your opinion does not coincide with the child’s, gently point out possible problems it can cause.
And through practising active listening and your help in choosing words, you will be surprised how quickly the child progresses in speaking. You will also realize that your child has ingenious ideas to share!
10 Being fun makes me a better mom!
Being a fun mom is by no means being a childish mom. Although I am a bit silly, as a mother, it only goes to doing fun things with my son. I am ready to race him on the way home and read a book in a funny voice while we are lying in the grass in the park.
I disapprove of immature moms who make fun of their kids to “toughen them up” and laugh when they fall to “make them feel better”. Moms with unrealistic expectations for their kids because they don’t monitor their development enough can only negatively affect their self-esteem.
Now that we’re clear with that, let’s see who’s a fun mom to be around! That’s the one who plays her kid’s favourite video game with him and does all the messy activities, like making and playing with slime (as long as the kid’s fine with cleaning it up together).
She takes her kid to the gym with her and organizes a pyjama party, spa night or movie marathon for her kid to enjoy with friends. If your kid enjoys spending time with you, then you’ve earned yourself a “fun mom” badge. 🙂
