After-school restraint collapse is the real thing, but it has nothing to do with your child exploding at home because he feels safe. Let me explain this thoroughly.

We often hear experts saying that our children misbehave at home because home is their safe space, so they can throw tantrums without being judged. While it is amazing for children to have parents who accept all their emotions, that statement is not entirely true.

Why? Because children don’t feel safe when they are experiencing meltdowns. Do you feel safe after feelings of anger, rage, insecurity, or shame? Or do you feel tense?

“Little people, whom we call children…”

I remember when our literature teacher quoted this statement from the famous Yugoslav novelist, poet and short story writer Ivo Andric. I was intrigued by what he wrote to describe children.

“Little people, whom we call “children”, have their great pains and long-sufferings, which they later forget as adults and wise people. Exactly, they lose sight of them. And if we could go back to our childhood, like in the classroom of the elementary school from which we left a long time ago, we would see them again. Down there, at that angle, those pains and those sufferings live on and exist like any other reality.”

Although their fears and sufferings seem silly to us, they are as real as the conflict with the boss, the betrayal of a friend, and the monthly payment of bills. Whatever the trigger for the meltdown was, it doesn’t make your child feel safe.

Yes, he will prefer to explode at home, next to their parents, but not because he feels safe. But, because he needs you. Therefore, do not stand aside thinking this is healthy for your child.

There are no bad emotions, but there are negative emotions. We need skills to overcome them and create a positive experience. It is completely normal for people and children to lose their sense of self-control SOMETIMES.

But it is not ok for experts to advise parents that after-school restraint collapse happens because children feel safe at home. Children should not experience it daily. They should not deal with it alone because they cannot always see the problem.

When they don’t see the problem and don’t have the tools to navigate their emotions, they don’t find the solution. Without it, they get trapped in a never-ending cycle of after-school restraint collapse.

And that is not what we call healthy childhood.

Where does an after-school restraint collapse come from, anyway?

I’ve never experienced a teacher telling me that my son misbehaved. I’ve also rarely experienced relatives or friends referring to him as a disobedient child, even when he sleeps over.

However, that’s not the kind of behaviour he follows with me. Am I the problem? While some experts might suggest that I’m never the problem, I still can be.

For instance, if I had a hard day myself, I might be pretty nervous and project that on him. I might lose my temper easily because everyone has already tested my patience earlier in the day.

But what when we’re not projecting anything, and our children still “misbehave”? That may be because they have spent all day keeping their feelings tightly in, but they don’t have the skills to handle emotions.

Now, that’s alarming, isn’t it? Not because children yell around us (we’re not victims, we’re leaders here), but because they need to learn skills.

We can avoid an after-school restraint collapse and lead our children to a healthy childhood only by teaching proper coping mechanisms to them.

How to teach coping mechanisms?

Your kid is exhausted after school. He’s been working hard, behaving, learning and keeping up with the peer pressure the whole day, so it’s nothing strange. But if he is older than 4, it’s not healthy for him to throw tantrums, experience meltdowns, and act moody and needy daily.

There are several things that help with after-school restraint collapse in our family. To teach your child coping strategies, you must be a good role model. First, find a way to deal with stress at work yourself, and then advise the child.

Here are some ways to reduce chances for an after-school restraint collapse by teaching coping strategies to your children.

1 React on time.

The biggest mistake many parents make is trying to react during a meltdown. Then the child is already in emotional chaos and sees and feels only an overflow of emotions. What helps me is that I am, first of all, ready for a reaction, so I do everything to remain as calm as possible.

Of course, I don’t expect negative feelings and summon them. But I try to calm myself down after a hard day, just in case. My child needs a strong leader, not a victim. So, before I get him, I indulge in activities that relax me after work. Cleaning, yoga, music, writing, whatever I feel like doing that day!

Not every mom works from home and can enjoy doing whatever she wants. But sometimes, even 5 minutes of a motivational parenting podcast on the way to your child’s school works wonders!

Your child needs a calm and motivated sympathetic friend after his hard day. And from there, you are then ready to react in time. Do it through questions that leave room for a long answer.

Did you have a good time at school today? This question won’t leave room for a long conversation. And a long one is exactly one of the ways for you to learn about problems your kid might be experiencing.

Did you play with toys or draw today? What was your favourite part of the day? What was your worst part of the day? Why?

By doing this, you leave room for your kid to understand what he likes and dislikes and then look for solutions to cope with some bad moments.

And he would be less likely to throw tantrums later during the day because he already understood the low points of his day. And he already shared bad moments – what a relief!

2 Don’t rush the morning.

But this is huge! When you wake up your child and nervously tell him: “We’re late”, his day has already started on a negative note. And that negativity, no matter how quickly the child gets ready and rushes out, still sneaks up and follows him throughout the day.

That can maybe result in an outburst of emotions later during the day, whether in school or at home. It is very important for a happy childhood and successful schooling that the day starts off right.

Kids should get enough sleep so they won’t feel irritable in the morning. Before bed, let the child choose clothes and pack a backpack. If the child is younger or indecisive, offer to choose between two options.

Routine is also an important factor for a successful day. Going to bed at an approximate time results in the child being rested and satisfied and getting up at an approximate time in the morning. Here is what our morning routine looks like on school days.

I usually wake up before him and set up breakfast and a couple of book options too. Our routine before school was reading with breakfast. That’s why I don’t want to make too many changes now.

That is also an ideal exercise for awakening the brain and bonding time with mom. Some children are more attached to their parents. Always remind them that you will pick them up at the end of the day.

3 When after-school restraint collapse strikes…

Sometimes we can’t do anything to prevent an after-school restraint collapse. But that does not mean we should not practise the mentioned two key tips daily. But what to do when the famous after-school restraint collapse happens anyway?

Acknowledge their feelings by naming them using a calm voice. The quieter you are, the calmer your kid becomes. They will want to hear those words coming out of your mouth, so they will likely try to lower their voice. Kids are naturally curious!

“I can see that you are feeling frustrated/sad/scared. Would you like to read a book/grab a snack/go for a walk/play Scramble?” By naming those big feelings, your kid feels safe because you treat them seriously. And by suggesting an activity, he knows you are present and want to help.

Never leave your child alone when he is going through big feelings. Do you know what happens if you leave him alone in a room to cry and “let it out” (another unsolicited piece of advice from “experts” in children’s behaviour)? You only send one message.

“Your feelings are not welcome when they are negative. I have no patience for this. I love you only when you are well-behaved and the way I want you to be.” Is that the kind of message you want to send to your child?

The strategy of “naming the feelings, advising the coping techniques, and staying present beside your kid” helped me with my highly sensitive child. And I strongly believe that is the one strategy, along with reacting on time and taking things slow, to exterminate the chances of yet another after-school restraint collapse.

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