There’s no magic formula that prepares you for this. There is no rule from a book or advice from an expert that can guarantee you that a particular sentence or reaction to a situation always helps. Confident parenting is not learned but practised daily.
As a first-time parent, you can feel that all the eyes of the world are on you. But also, an experienced parent may feel like all the burden is on his back. One who has never read any book can raise a lovely and obedient child. And yet, what all of them have in common is their intuition.
Here’s a genuine recommendation for the book that might help you gain confidence while parenting from Jim Burns, PhD, a renowned youth and family expert.
Be as confident as your kid is.
Of course, you will sometimes speak poorly of your parenting choices and regret the moment you raise your voice. But focus on children instead of “bad” choices. You set the rules and the foundations. The kid follows. And yet you are the one who doesn’t get enough sleep at night because you are reconsidering your decisions.
And your child, who naively wanders the world in his little shoes, doesn’t worry too much over each of his “NO”. He might tear your blouse in a fit of rage, but life goes on! That happened to me at the birthday party! When my little boy could no longer bear all the adult questions and, when he was unable to follow the instructions of the older kids on his cousin’s birthday, he came to his mother to cry.
Mom tried to calm him down with gentle words, but that, for some reason, drew revolt out of him, and the child tore his mom’s blouse! He was three years old then. Despite everything, the mother remained calm, hugged her son and told him that she loved him and understood his frustration and that he could return to the game only when he wanted to and if he was fine there.
Mom didn’t force an apology for the blouse because she remembered that her son has a basis for good behaviour because dad and mom always apologize to him when something goes wrong. A few minutes later, the child decided to join the game and had fun like never before.
On the other hand, the crowd threw bombs at the mother. “He should have apologized. Why did you let him go and play after that? You don’t teach him to appreciate women and, above all, you.” At home, when he was safe, the son sincerely apologized to his mother for the blouse and said he would not do it again. Mom told him: “It doesn’t matter if it happens again. What’s important is that we try our best not to do it again.”
Do you see how the child got a burst of self-confidence to run into the game and have a good time? All he needed was approval for his emotions and to calm down.
When you don’t know.
Well, this story sounds beautiful, and I’m proud of myself for reacting this way. I proved to my child that I love him even in bursts of heavy emotions and not only when he’s happy. I accept all of his emotions: happy, bad and sad. I also showed him how to approach difficult emotions by staying calm and seeking solutions myself. Kids are sponges, you know!
And could I be sure I was doing the right thing? Parenting rules today come in a variety of packages. We are often confused as to which one to follow. But why be so confused when we are the ones who know our children best?
We have intuition, so what separates us from confident parenting? Some kids might not respond well to my parenting methods, and you should know and respect that. Let’s say your kid is the rebellious one, and you know you must remind him of good manners often.
Other parents who tried to advise me on how to react were wrong. I am raising an HSC. If I had forced him to apologize in front of everyone, it would have been an attack on his gentle character, that was already upset about the socialization situation.
Related: Parenting a Sensitive Child Accepting Difficult Emotions
If he hadn’t apologized at home, then I would have reminded him. I would give him time and space to think. But I would also suggest methods to best deal with his anger next time. The technique of counting and deep breathing almost always helps!
You don’t know what your child is like? You still have so much time to find out. A certain method doesn’t work for him? Try another. Be patient in the process, calm in solving problems and full of love, even when the solution is far away.
Boundaries.
By now, the boundaries should exist. You may not be aware of it, but you have been posting them all along. It is natural for us parents to behave responsibly. Surely, there are rules in your home. No chocolate before dinner, bedtime routine starts at 7 PM, no hitting brother and quiet time at 3.30 PM. See, you’re naturally doing the confident parenting thing!
The next time you’re about to overthink your decisions, remember that you are doing the best you can. So, instead of avoiding responsibility and giving your child a sense of security, make mistakes. When a new situation emerges, e.g. the child suddenly does not want to go to school, think about how to best approach this. and from there, simply do it.
And what if it seems to you that the child is re-testing the limits and your determination? What if he prays for “more” even though he knows it’s time to go to bed? Know that this is a normal part of growing up. Don’t take it personally. He’s evolving, so he challenges you.
But, how to approach this? Show understanding: “I know you’d like to stay awake a little longer.” But also stay consistent: “But your body needs to rest so that it can function nicely tomorrow. Now we will go to bed, and tomorrow we will continue the game.”
If you have struggled with routine, try using reward charts. It does sound weird to give rewards for everything they do (that they’re supposed to do anyway, like washing their teeth and similar), so avoid that. You can write “learned a new cooperating skill”, “followed daily routine as a grown-up” and “was brave for dealing with emotions”.
Once you let him win with “please”, a magical POOF happens, and the child loses trust in you. He then no longer believes in your decisions and your thoughts. And above all, you teach him that he will always get what he wants if he begs with tears. And that will definitely not happen in the adult world. Stay consistent with boundaries.
Boundaries, routine and your love are the key to confident parenting. You want the best for your child. You want to help him cope with all the challenges as successfully as possible, but you will not be able to do that when you are in chaos and without routine. You’ll be able to think wise if there are rules set. That way, you won’t lose focus because you had to beg him to brush his teeth ten times.
Dad’s not a mom’s assistant.
Dads may not be as skilled at preparing lunch and other household chores, but trust me, they’re not to blame for that. My son participates in household chores every day, so I think that the next day he will be an equal member in running the household as the mother of his children.
And let me ask (for moms reading this), how much have you been involved in contributing to spoiling your husband? Now that he no longer knows where the milk bottle is and how to turn on the washing machine, you can’t blame him. Anyway, it’s time to change that. If you live together, you have someone by your side who should be as involved in parenting as you are.
Organize your housework so that everyone has their task. Give each other plenty of time for hobbies by taking your little angel out for a sweet date. If you allow your partner to participate equally, you will be happier and more ready (rested) for the child. And it also has a positive effect on him.
When you live separately, there is still a way to co-parent. When you don’t have a partner, you could seek help from a friend, family or nanny. There is a possibility for everything.
It’s about you, too.
Think about your needs a little more, so the door to a confident parenting journey will open. Your child’s needs are just as important as your needs. If a child wants to go to bed with you every night and play games only with you, it can be sweet at the beginning. But what if it gets so stressful that you don’t seem to have your life anymore?
Last summer, this happened to me. Due to covid, we lost my grandpa and then my husband’s mom. Losing both of them was a stress for the whole family. Anyhow, I survived under the surface and kept my focus on my son.
I devised games every day to help him cope with difficult emotions. I answered every question he had. Shortly before summer vacation, he demanded that we play the same game every day, which included running, jumping, and a lot more.
I played the role of his imaginary friend, an alien, who accompanied him everywhere. My five-year-old has never been so attached to his mom as he was then. I believe I gave him a sense of security and unconditional love in difficult situations and emotional outbursts. Still, when we travelled for a summer vacation, I needed some rest.
Every day from morning to night, he only demanded to play with me. I was exhausted. When we got home, I told my husband that I would try to get away for a while because the child was swaying too much next to me. In addition to making me tired, I was afraid that he would deny some of the feelings curled up in the shell we made. And here is a negative point for my self-confidence as a parent.
I felt inevitably bad, and in the inability to rest and lack of sleep, I saw no other solution. Whenever it was time for bed, I would do some housework, so dad would go with him. At the same time, I tried to explain to the child how dad can entertain and read and tell stories just like mom.
In little time, the tactic worked. My self-confidence returned because I was more rested, so everything was clear. I had more time to work and take care of myself. As such, full of self-confidence, I managed to solve the extremely difficult period puzzle that followed. Because I was right: my son snuggled up to me and avoided the whole world because of the trauma he survived.
The importance of confident parenting
Confident parenting is an important prerequisite for happy parents and contented and happy children. You will feel good in your skin, so you will not worry much about the endless advice of individuals who do not know you well enough. Your self-confidence creates a sense of security.
The child will believe your decisions and be willing to cooperate if you do not say “maybe” and worry too often. While confident parenting, you will be able to make clear decisions, regardless of whether you are 100% sure of them or only 80%.
That kid looks up to you at all times. While he longs for independence, he also wants your security. He wants your approval that it is safe for him to grow up a little more. He needs your help with some new challenges. And he needs you to teach him how to express all his feelings. If you are confident, it means you have control over the situation.
