Parenting a child with big feelings is the most beautiful thing I’ve experienced. However, being misunderstood for letting your kid acknowledge his emotions is the hardest. I get the looks every time I stop to gently help my son recognise and manage his feelings – good, bad, happy and sad.

Why shouldn’t you worry about the looks?

No two people in the world are the same. And highly sensitive people are a minority. 15-20% of the population are HSP (both children and grown-ups), so of course, not everyone can understand your kid’s big feelings. Therefore, they are not competent to comment.

The next thing I want to emphasize is that all emotions are healthy and good. Whichever way your child uses to express himself, even when he hits and screams, doesn’t mean he’s broken. That means that he needs help to learn to regulate emotions through both hard and exciting experiences.

While some people genuinely want to help and, therefore, they have the comments – others mean no good. It is not up to you to break down whose thoughts are good and whose are evil.

You kindly thank them and turn back to your child. In this way, you will rise above the stereotype that the opinion of the majority is important, even if the majority does not know what they are talking about. Also, you will set a good example for your child on how to handle the situation.

So, meltdowns and shutdowns are appropriate?

Not at all. If your child is 4-years-old (or older), then meltdowns and shutdowns are not an appropriate coping technique for him. However, as I said, that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with him. He hasn’t learned yet.

It is not your fault that your child did not learn or develop the coping mechanism, but you must react. Certainly, both meltdowns and shutdowns are an integral part of everyone’s life and are acceptable if they happen rarely.

If this happens to your child daily, and your strategy does not contribute, I recommend that you consult experts. Shouting anytime and anywhere or turning off completely and not participating because the world feels overwhelming is unhealthy for your child.

So, what am I talking about?

Well, I said all emotions are healthy, and you don’t have to worry about what others say. I said that in every situation, you should turn to your child and teach him to develop a coping mechanism. And then, in the next paragraph, I said that meltdowns and shutdowns are not appropriate for children over four years old.

All true. However, life changes all the time. During the covid last year, my son lost dear people. He was 5-years-old. Therefore, he had a lot to endure. Both his dad and I, along with him, were in absolute chaos, no matter how hard we tried.

Although he healthily managed the grief, it was still hard for him to get used to life without these people. It still is. He then withdrew to himself, refused to attend school classes and re-entered the phase of constant meltdowns.

As an HS parent to an HS kid, I did not explain his actions and my way of discipline. No one should have cared why my kid could suddenly decide to sit with his mom at a birthday party or why he would cry over a “stupid thing”.

Although others could not see it, I did the right thing. I was proud of my son for being able to recognize emotions and for deciding to take the time to process them. I did not force him to ignore his big feelings, but I allowed him to grieve for his loved ones healthily.

Respect your kid’s big feelings.

There is another situation in which I acted correctly. My child, after visiting the dentist, and having a bad experience with the dentist, suddenly stopped communicating with the world and going to the playroom while I was working.

Every day was a struggle. And I had so much work to do. We talked about feelings he understood, but he didn’t know what to do with them. And I was tired of “please” being said fifty times a day.

I asked him if he would go to sports school because I think it might help him break the fear. He replied, “yes, but only if you are coming with me”. The coach knew of the arrangement for me to be there for the first three days and was patient, relaxing him gradually and allowing me to participate.

From the day he first went to sports school, his self-confidence has grown. For the first time in my life, I see my child talking to his neighbours while playing in the yard. He tells everyone that his coach, although strict, is the best person in the world. He can’t wait for training, and the meltdown cycle dropped to 0 on a daily basis.

Dear parents…

Respect your child’s big feelings. Sit with them and think of the best technique that might help them deal with emotions healthily. Follow your intuition, and above all, always show love.