Many times, we’ll accidentally speak the “never say these” sentences and words out loud and we’ll almost always regret it. Even though it gets to us how disrespectful of our children we are, sometimes we just.can’t.help.it.at.that.moment.

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I enjoyed the most lovely morning walk with my son and our puppy the other morning when I heard our neighbour yelling and spanking her daughter. The minute she saw us, she politely said “hi” and then returned to her daughter with “I can’t do this with you” and left her alone.

For what I could realise, the little one stood desperate and alone without anyone to teach her how to fight back, stand up for herself, see the problem and fix it.

We often forget that misbehaving is their only way of going through a new phase. And crankiness comes out when they’re not ok. We often forget to let them do things on their own, no matter the mess and in such rush as nowadays, we suffocate their liberty, confidence and discovery gene.

If you have the “situations”, this does not mean that you’re a bad parent, but it surely points out that you’re an exhausted one. Don’t forget the essential commitments to yourself which will boost your energy and fight exhaustion. Don’t forget to self-care daily, have a nourishing breakfast, sleep enough and wake up earlier for extra hours on whatever needs to get done.

Related: Decluttering your mind in 5 steps

My husband and I are walking down a positive discipline path with our 4-year-old rockstar. We teach him the goods, the bads and the maybes. We encourage him to step out of the comfort zone and patiently talk through any problems. And it’s the best decision we’ve ever made!

Humans as we are, we make mistakes and don’t try to be perfect. But an honest sorry and admitting a mistake can fix everything. Anyways, here are the top 10 phrases and words we try to never say to our son (or do instead of him).

1 What’s wrong with you?

There’s nothing wrong with your kid. However, there might be something wrong with the current situation which you shouldn’t approach with an angry tone, especially if you weren’t around.

Try to find reasons why your kid acted in a certain way. My son becomes angry when someone bothers him with too many questions and set too many limits. This usually ends up with him being cranky and disobeying everything I serve him.

Instead of the number one never say the phrase, I stay calm as much as possible and talk the problem through. As the most important adult in his life, I have no right to make him believe in something wrong. If I say “what’s wrong with you” too often, he’ll eventually trust it.

2 You’re bad.

The same scenario. Don’t say it because that’s exactly what you’ll get. Your child is not bad, although there might be some behaviour problems getting his way. Refused to eat broccoli soup and cried for chocolate for 2 hours? A problem!

How about you send the kid to his room and let him cry for as long as he needs and gently point out “let me know when you’ll be able to talk to mummy/daddy”. Once the frustrations are long gone, explain to your kid about the importance of nutritious food before sweets. 

Also, don’t refer to healthy food as “healthy foods are good for you”. Point out something like “Oh, look at this broccoli and cheese soup, how it smells so yummy”! 

3 Let me show you how/do this for you.

Can be pretty tempting not to jump straight in an offer help because of the sad face of your little angel which eventually can turn into an angry face. DON’T DO IT. The only thing your kid needs from you at that point (even though it sometimes don’t seem like that and he may even ask for your help) is you to stay away.

Stay as far away and don’t interrupt the process, especially if it’s age-appropriate. Kids need time to figure out new challenges. It boosts their confidence long term if they fix things on their own. Of course, if your child can’t solve something, sit down and teach him how. But never do anything instead of him.

3 Never say the finances word in front of your kid.

The bills and negative concerns about money can ruin your kid’s childhood. Leave those conversations for you and your partner only. Your kid can’t do anything about it, except for feel discouraged and sad, so leave it away.

When he asks of you for something you cannot afford, say “maybe next time, I didn’t bring the money” or “we can’t afford that at this time, let’s go have fun in the park”. By offering another fun activity and putting yourself into doing so (there are plenty of free activities to do with kids), you can ease their understanding and they’ll forget about what you said sooner.

4 It’s not that scary.

Or it’s not that hard/sad/funny. Why not say this? Because you want to send your kids the right message and treat their emotions seriously. Your kid is upset because it IS scary, hard or sad. The struggle is real, so be the support and never say “it’s not that big of a deal” because it is.

5 I’m leaving without you.

Wait, your kid is having an amazing time at the playground but it’s time to leave?! He refuses to leave, screams back at you and continues to ignore you?! Ugh, that’s a bad situation, your kid disobeying your musts in front of everyone. It’s damn too hard to stay calm, but you get nothing good from being upset anyways.

You shouldn’t threaten your little one you’ll leave without him because 1 he won’t trust you (how many times have you already played the same game anyway) or 2 you’ll raise an insecure child.

In their life, the secure spot is being with you, the one who gives hugs, kisses and love when no one else does, the one who scares the monsters away and read stories, the one who gives food and comfort. The thought of being without you when they are not independent and have no idea of the time they’ll be is frightening and may raise an insecure mommy’s leg clinger.

Instead of saying that, try my technique. Gently, without any worries, offer him another 5 minutes and then announce when they are over. If that doesn’t work, try to trick him with what awaits for you later. For example, we must go to eat lunch now, but we’ll walk the dog after that. Stay persistent, don’t let the kid control you.

6 Don’t comment your kid’s physical appearance.

And don’t stay in front of their fashion choices. You love your kid just the way he is, be sure to show that too. Never say anything like “sweets make you fat, stop eating them”.

Although you should guide through childhood and point out how broccoli is good for their health and banana gives the energy they need at the playground, that is as far as you can go.

Educate your kids about the healthy nutritions but don’ criticise anyone’s look. Nor your/your partner’s, nor your kid’s. Children that grow up in such surrounding become insecure in their bodies and about themselves.

7 Never say “I told you million times”.

You’re probably the one failing behind the curtains if you need to repeat yourself that much. Change the tone of the conversation to get to your kid’s mind. Stop saying NO when it’s not a must because then you won’t sound serious enough later.

And, well, if he did something wrong or hurt himself – it’s already hard enough, he doesn’t need of you to make it harder. Plus, there won’t be any lessons learned if you don’t choose to educate. Stay calm and say “It’s ok, you can try to be more careful next time”. This way, children have enough space to learn from their mistakes with your guidance.

8 Never say “Big girls/boys don’t do such things”.

Big girls don’t play in the sand with a dress on. Big boys don’t cry. Although all of your worries are true, sentences as these previously stated are false. To be sure to protect your girls from angry eyes choose pants over dresses when going to the playground.

To protect your boys from teasing because they have feelings, teach them how to deal with their emotions. Teach them to be proud of their emotions and influence their friends the same. But don’t put your children in a boys-girls mould.

9 Never say “It’s your fault.”

I’ve heard parents pointing to their children with “Look what you did/Mommy is sick because of you/You should’ve taken better care of your little sister”.

Every time I asked myself do these parents actually think that is true
after the fire is extinguished?! I don’t blame them for losing it in a mad world we’re all striving to survive, but…

I can never say anything alike and I’ve heard from them so many times that they put their children first. They don’t have time for themselves, but it’s ok because children are their whole world.

Well, maybe that is a problem. I don’t regret my alone visits to the bathroom, my workout/nap/self-care/whatever time alone. Prioritising myself is essential in my life and my son thinks it’s wonderful.

Firstly, I am calmer because of that and secondly, I am being a good role model. Moms and dads of the world reading this, it’s finally time you start prioritising yourself (of course it’s not always achievable, because let’s be honest, children ARE our centre of the Universe).

Remember that it’s never your children’s fault because you are responsible for them.

10 Why can’t you be like…?

Self-confidence is everyone’s most important tool. If you compare your kid to his siblings and friends, you low their confidence. “Don’t compare yourself to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it’s their time.”

Hope I helped to motivate you to become a better parent today! If you have any tips to share with us, please comment below because we’re eager to know! 🙂