Next time our children return with defiant behaviour again, we will stay calm and remember the techniques we read today. We won’t punish or use force. We will stop for a second to appreciate the life skills they’ve learned over time. We will acknowledge their intelligence instead of killing their self-esteem.

Does that mean we stay in the corner and watch them go through life without discipline? Not at all! They need our guidance. In fact, one of the main reasons children go crazy acting defiant is lack of discipline. And lack of routine.

My husband and I use the Montessori method of discipline (positive discipline, freedom to learn and embrace independence at young ages) with our kid that is currently 5-years-old.

But, how do we stay calm and proactive with positive discipline at the same time? How do we respond to defiant behaviour without punishing or breaking their hearts? We practise every day, and we also do whatever is in our power to prevent tantrums. Here are our techniques.

Respect, listen, understand.

Our golden three to positive parenting! So… It was Sunday afternoon. We enjoyed our time in the backyard doing an activity book together, coffee for mom and dad, cacao for the kid, snack for the puppy.

Then suddenly, the kid asked for a walk with the puppy when it was nearly 6 PM. It was almost dinner time, bath time, bedtime and I had many other things to finish on my cleaning day. I answered NO.

You might think I stayed with my NO, but sometimes, when kids are old enough to understand what comes next and when they are not too tired nor too hungry, it’s ok to compromise. I understood that he needed the walk because it finally became chillier. We decided to listen to his wish and respect that he asked for a healthy activity by himself.

So I changed my mind to YES, but only for 15 minutes and then dinner and bathtime. The rest of the evening went smooth as I expected. The kid got what he wanted, but with a limit. In other words, I disciplined, respected, listened and understood at the same time.

Be empathetic.

You sure have noticed the talk about this was in the previous chapter. However, one more time: show empathy to your children. Go down to their level, put on their shoes and think again. It’s bedtime and they hate it?

They want to play more! Don’t you hate it when you need to pause your favourite show for some reason too? You politely asked them to pick up their toys and tidy up, but they find it boring and wanna do something funnier instead? Well, would you rather do the laundry or go on a coffee date with friends?

The only difference between us and them is that we know how to handle our feelings and emotions. But that’s just another thing to keep in mind: our kids haven’t yet learned how to control their feelings fully. What’s our role here, again? We are here to teach them the ways of handling emotions by showing empathy, guiding and role-modelling.

Related: Eight ways to ruin your kid’s childhood

Teach skills.

Children often throw tantrums when they lack knowledge and skills. Sometimes, it’s age-appropriate (a one-year-old won’t be able to follow instructions to a 100-piece jigsaw puzzle). Other times, parents need to support education and independence better.

Learning comes naturally to children younger than 6. Now is the best time to build a habit. My son finds it exciting when we buy a new activity book or do some other fun activities. And boy, is he proud of himself for being the smartest kid in the room!

Even little children can do some of their daily tasks alone. They can put clothes on, brush their teeth, use the potty and make the table. When you give them a choice to do these alone, you help them build confidence about surviving in a strange, unknown world. Therefore, there’s less space for angry and sad feelings.

Related: Homeschooling routine and learning schedule

Build a solid foundation.

Set rules and boundaries precisely. Once or if the child refuses to follow them or stick to them, remember to breathe and teach. Talk to your kid about what might happen if he disobeys the rules, why it’s a non-negotiable thing.

For instance, no sweets before lunch because sweets won’t help in the growth process, but lunch will keep him healthy. He must pick up his toys, or there won’t be space to play with another set of toys later.

However, many children will show disobedience, and that’s ok. The magic formula is to stay calm and stick to the rules. Respect yourself as a parent, and show your kids that they can trust your choices.

Try to doubt yourself or change your mind in front of them less. When you do so, you seem like a non-reliable adult, and nobody’s going to take you seriously. Don’t ever yell. You sure don’t want to send a message: if you’re angry, be aggressive – that will help you.

Calm amid the storm.

No matter what, stay calm. Take a minute for yourself to breathe and talk to your children. “I can see that you’re upset about something. Let me show you a technique I use when I feel stressful”. Then talk about the magic you use.

Help them realize that not a single feeling is “bad”, and they’re normal when they cry or feel angry. Even when acting defiant, don’t judge but show that there are ways to work on anger and still be the superhero at the end of each day.