Self-identity formation comes from various sources: family and loved ones, society, opportunities and interests, life experiences and self-expression. We don’t know which personality traits our baby will develop. But, we can influence their self-identity formation healthily and positively by building self-esteem.

Self-esteem issues in children are a common topic among experts on children’s behaviour, psychologists, paediatricians, teachers and parents. Given that, according to statistics, the number of children who suffer from low esteem has increased, it is an understandably popular topic.

Children struggle with low self-esteem in public performance (especially in school), body image, romantic relationships, and friends and family relationships. That may result in mental health problems and lead to overeating, undereating, bullying, self-harming and many other things.

What is self-esteem?

We can find too much information on every topic, especially in magazines for teenagers. Most of the time, that information is not helpful. Like, who invented the idea of a person with high self-esteem being one who is also a narcissist? According to experts, a narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which a person puts herself in the centre of the Universe. In psychology, we call it inflated self-esteem.

That can send a false image of someone in charge, while actually, that’s someone who needs to control and boss everyone around. Those people usually are vulnerable. Those people tend to hurt others due to a lack of empathy and fail to be genuinely happy. They depend on the approval of others and don’t know how to move on when that becomes absent.

When a person has a realistic image of their “self”, that’s healthy self-esteem. That doesn’t come from narcissism but from the view of the potential from within. Not shutting down emotionally (low self-esteem), but showing respect for the “self” and the confidence to communicate their emotions and bounce back after a hard day.

How kids see themselves, age-by-age

Infants and toddlers (0-3 years old)

Identity stands for the personality traits, qualities and ideas of the individual. How does he define himself? Infants don’t have a self-concept. They don’t see themselves separated from caregivers because they depend on them.

At three months old, babies begin to see themselves as individuals. That happens when we respond to their noises, play games like peek-a-boo and smile back at them. They start developing identity through those interactions.

With accomplishments such as rocking back and forth (around 6 months), crawling (around 9 months), and talking (usually between 12 and 18 months), they start to separate themselves from others further. They start wanting/needing/disagreeing on their own.

Around 18 months, they recognize that they influence the world. They are unique. Since this is the time they use “me, mine, I” the most, parents should respond positively to their identity recognition. “I know that YOU want to play with YOUR toy.”

Don’t push sharing and giving at this stage. Your kid is not being rude. He is building their sense of identity. Recognize differences in others instead. A good example might be noticing different physical traits in characters in books.

Slowly transition to explaining that sharing is caring around the age of 3. By this age, children understand that others deserve equal treatment, which doesn’t mean they will always share and cooperate. They still have a lot of learning to do when it comes to handling their emotions and impulses.

Preschoolers (3-5 years old) and elementary school (6-12)

Descriptive is how children in preschool years see themselves. They choose from categories, boy or a girl, long or short hair, my toy, and my mom, to explain and understand who they are.

Their language abilities now start to peak, so they will often explore their identity and the world around them through it. I would recommend focusing on that.

Be as descriptive to help your child understand who he is and what he likes and dislikes. Provide experiences, and don’t force children to stand up to anyone’s expectations.

When it comes to elementary school children, the more information they have, the better. Always give them clues on what is wrong and right, but don’t force them to go places they dislike or do extra-curricular activities which they don’t enjoy.

Yes, offer experiences. Offer them the opportunity to take the art class and wear clothes they like (this doesn’t mean neglecting, for example, crop tops or tight and heavy suits). Support them when they want to learn about history or culture.

Talk about role models. If you don’t like your kid’s favourite singer, don’t say that. There are plenty of other (positive and not harmful) ways to influence your child. This age is actually the time when self-esteem issues in children first occur.

Always support, but never stop influencing. For example, a book about people who changed the world like this one might be a good surprise gift for a passionate reader. Watch documentaries about meaningful role models together, or visit an exhibition.

Tweens and teens (12 and up)

Welcome to yet another period when self-esteem issues in children play a huge role. Unlike elementary school children, this age deals with peer pressure on a higher level.

As they try to figure out who they are outside the family doors (self-identity formation at its highest), they tend to shut down to parents and caregivers. That is normal since they need to understand what value they can bring to this world without us. However, we should be their support and the ones they trust.

Leave the lecturing behind and start leading them kindly. Offer room for their opinions and include them in household chores for bigger kids (taking care of family pets, doing laundry). Teens like it when we treat them as young adults.

At this age, kids tend to fit in and belong. Try to help them not lose themselves. It’s ok for them to experiment with different styles, but always remind them that variety is important and the world wouldn’t be so beautiful if we were all the same.

Self-Identity Formation

Self-identity and self-confidence don’t stand apart from each other. Confidence is the key to self-identity formation. There are two things to focus on to help your kids build it. 1 Sense of belonging. 2 Little accomplishments and talents.

Let’s now approach the concept of self-confidence and how to build it through self-identity formation. During childhood, you will not agree with every decision your kids make. Mainly for safety reasons. So, what to do to help them discover their talents, impact on the world, an their purpose?

1 Sense of belonging

Nothing boosts self-confidence as much as the feeling of love. Your child will not feel love or confirmation from others every time. There are so many different individuals, and we cannot agree with everyone.

What is important is a family full of understanding, a home where he feels he belongs. That does not mean that you will always be able to turn off your negative emotions, especially after a hard day, and radiate happy energy at all times.

If you used too many harsh words, apologize. Explain to your kid why you were distracted so that he understands that negative emotions are a part of everyone. The child will most likely associate this with “mom and dad love me even when I cry or don’t want to listen to them”.

Tell your child that you love him equally when he excels and when he makes mistakes. That will open the door for him to step into new victories, even after failures.

To be a trustworthy and safe person, spend time with your child playing. Daily. A modern parent uses: “Not now, I have a lot of work” a million times a day. And what’s the message that the child gets through this? “Don’t be a burden. Go do something on your own”.

If he feels loved now, that will follow him through life. When he meets people who don’t respect him, he won’t focus much on it because someone who loves him unconditionally is always waiting for him at home. He will build all his future relationships based on that healthy one you’re nourishing now.

2 Little accomplishments and talents.

Repeated achievements set a lifetime of healthy vision. How do you feel when you get 70% of your work done before 10 AM, and how do you feel after a day spent procrastinating? Of course, we all need time to relax, but many days spent without achieving anything can negatively affect confidence.

Self-esteem can boost or fall, depending on the moment of the day. That is why I taught my son to set his day for success. We read and study every morning, enjoy a healthy breakfast and walk to school as a daily exercise.

If there’s enough time, I let him serve food to our dogs, cuddle with them and take them for a walk on our way to school. Caring for living beings makes him feel happy and boosts his self-confidence.

These are some small accomplishments we can make room for that can set the mood for the day. However, we cannot (and must not try) influence how our child’s day will unfold.

There will be days when your talented painter is not particularly creative. Your little girl may forget the recitation during the school performance. Despite that, their confidence boosts when they excel at school, even though they haven’t studied.

And what about talents? They are the key to healthy self-identity formation. As your child becomes more aware of his talents, he begins to understand his purpose. That doesn’t only build identity but also feels like an accomplishment, which by no means boosts self-esteem in the long run.

Expose children to as many activities as they enjoy, such as museums, music, art classes, etc. If they show interest or talent in a sphere, try to give them as many opportunities as possible to try it and thus nourish their talents.